wOw Primetime: ESIII fallout!

[HeartBurn Kid]

("Champion" sets us off, and we start over by our announce position with PT, Barry, and Warrior.)
BW: Welcome, y'all, to wOw Primetime! This here's ol' "Big Foot" Barry Windham, and I'm joined by Warrior and P.T. Midnite, who seems to be feeling much better than last week!
PT: Uggh... can we just say last week never happened?
W: Why? I have never before seen you with such perspicacious mendacity as last week! A true Warrior, you were!
PT: And you wonder why...
(The banter stops as "The Suffering: Scarred" begins to play. The arena begins to fill with smoke, which slowly starts to clear, revealing The Phantom, carrying the wOw Extreme title over one shoulder and the World Heavyweight title over the other!)
P: At last you see. At last you see my master plan, what I have labored months to achieve. Though I lost a sweet prize in Missy Hardy, what I have gained is far more valuable--for, over my shoulders, I hold wOw itself! The fool, Jared Steele, simply surrendered his belt to me! And now, I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN wOw! The end days have begun, friends... the darkness settles over us... and I--
("Hero Of The Day" hits as Jared Steele comes rampaging out, microphone in hand.)
JS: You sick, twisted freak! I did what I had to do to save that poor girl's life from you--
P: Face it, Jared! You are weak! You always have been weak, all the way back to when you were a young child! You knew you could not defeat me, so you simply handed me the belt without a fight! You need not blame anybody but yourself for your failings!
(Steele throws a right hand--and The Phantom blocks it)
P: You EVER raise a hand against me again, and I'll take her away from you again. You know I can do it.
JS: You... you...
P: Remove yourself from my sight!
(Jared looks like he's about to say something else, but goes into a slump and begins to walk away as we go to commercial.)

[HeartBurn Kid]

As we come back, "No One Knows" is playing as Damien Demento enters the ring.

PT: So this Damien Demento is one of our guys?
W: Verily, this is true! By the moon and stars, he has the Warrior spirit!
PT: Is "The Outer Recesses of Your Mind" anywhere near Parts Unknown?
W: It's a suburb, actually.

"Africa" by Toto hits as Akeem makes his way out!

MATCH 1: WWoW WORLD CUP, FIRST ROUND
Akeem [AFR] v. Damien Demento [PUK]

Akeem starts out firmly in control... and, aside from some sporadic bursts of offense by Demento, stays in control. Basically a squash.

WINNER: Akeem

We go backstage, where Finale is arriving. He wallks by The Sabbat (Gangrel and Vampiro), who are pointing and laughing at him. Finale turns around and walks over to them.

F: I offered you two spots in the Axis of Evil, and not only did you betray me, but you have the gall to stand here and laugh? Your time of judgement shall come, and it shall come soon.
G: Hey, nothing personal, pops. It's just business. We serve a higher power than you.
F: Oh, really? Will your "higher power" show his face here tonight?
V: You're damn right he will!
F: Then he shall share your fate!

Finale walks away.

V: (mocking Finale) "Then he shall share your fate!"

Gangrel and Vampiro laugh like crazy again as we go to break

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back from break with "Bleed The Freak" playing as CyberFreak makes his way out.)
BW: So, the Sabbat has a higher power? Somehow, this seems awfully familiar...
(The music is replaced by "Ramp! (The Logical Song)" as J-Rad makes his way out, doing his usual DDR routine in the entryway.)

MATCH 2:

CyberFreak vs. J-Rad

As soon as the bell rings, J-Rad is off like a man posessed, using his considerable speed advantage to pummel CyberFreak mercilessly with quick shot after quick shot.

BW: Woo, doggie! J-Rad is fighting like a house on fire here! I haven't seen this kind of agression from J-Rad since the MBWF shut down!
PT: Really? I just saw it last Sunday!
BW: What, at Electric Supernova III?
PT: No, before that, in the arcade, when there were 10 people ahead of him in line for Dance Dance Revolution!

CyberFreak finally manages to bring his power to bear, flooring J-Rad with a clothesline. Freak stays on the offensive, finally locking J-Rad into an abdominal stretch. The ref checks if J-Rad wants to give up... and J-Rad grabs the ref by the lapels, distracting him while he kicks backwards, striking CyberFreak in the family jewels! The Freak goes down, and J-Rad goes up for the Hello Moonsault, and it connects! 1... 2... 3!

WINNER: J-Rad

After the match, J-Rad gets on the mic

J-RAD: What you've just seen is a little demonstration! For too long, I haven't taken wOw seriously; well, I promise you that's all changing now! Years from now, when wrestling historians look back at the illustrious career of the legendary J-Rad, they will point to this match, this monent, as the moment when J-Rad began his climb back to the top! And you people should feel privileged to witness it! But this isn't the end, not by a long shot, because there's somebody out there who showed me that he doesn't believe in J-Rad! And, Jamie Kogaryu, I suggest you keep looking over your shoulder, because your time will come sooner than you think!

J-Rad throws the mic down and walks out.

[HeartBurn Kid]

We come back in RD Reynolds' office, as he's busy with some paperwork. He looks up, and an angry look crosses his face.)
RD: You again?!
(Camera pans over to reveal Sierra)
RD: I thought I told you not to show your face around here anymore!
S: Mr. Reynolds, it is my destiny to compete in wOw. I sincerely believe that, and I will prove it.
RD: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Look, I told you before, there is NO WAY you are going to wrestle in that ring!
S: You can't keep me from this! This is my dream! This is my life!
(Sierra suddenly realizes that security is right behind her.)
RD: Tell it to somebody who cares. Boys, get her out of my sight!
(Security drags Sierra out of the room, kicking, struggling, and cursing in Spanish the entire time. RD grins at this... but his grin falls off his face as Finale, Newtype, and Diablos enter the office.)
RD: Oh, now what the hell do you want?
F: You can't guess? I gave Gangrel and Vampiro the chance to prove their loyalty to me. One simple test... and they chose instead to cost me the International title!
RD: So, you want a match?
F: No... I want more. I want no countout, no disqualifications, Newtype and Diablos vs. The Sabbat. I want to see those two goth wannabes torn apart, rended asunder, ripped from limb to limb!
RD: You know what... fine. You can have the damn match. Just leave me alone, damnit! I have work to do!
(Finale and co. walk out of RD's office... and run into The HeartBurn Kid. Finale points at Dobbs.)
F: Your time will come soon enough.
HBK: Oooh, I'm quaking in my *beep*ing boots.
(Newtype and Diablos attack HBK, with Finale joining in. They lay him out, eventually putting him through the catering table. We go to break with the camera on HBK, prone and barely conscious.)

[HeartBurn Kid]

As we come back from break, "Mexican Radio" is playing as Juventud Guerrera comes out, stumbling about like he's drunk.

BW: Woo-ee! Looks like Juvy's been out behind the woodshed, if you catch my drift.
PT: Damn, is he even going to be able to compete? *sniff* I can smell the tequila from here...

Juvy grabs a mic...

JG: Da joooooooooooooos is loooooooooooose! ORALE! Da joooooooooos has come to wOw toooooooooo prove... *burp* he's the best atholete in da world! Da jooooooooooo....

Juvy's cut off as "Jammin'" hits, and the entirety of Team Pacific Islands (plus Bri) makes their way out.

IH: Typical. Everybody loves the Mexican guys just because they do flips... *sniff* and reek of booze and cheap whores. Where's the love for the island boys?

JG: Da joooooooooos is gonna show you love upsiiiiiiide your faaaaaace!

Juvy slaps Ho, and the match is on!

MATCH 3: WWoW World Cup
Inita Ho [PI] vs. Juventud Guerrera [MEX]

Despite Juvy being in no condition to compete, he takes the fight to Ho, until a familiar keg is introduced at ringside, with a Mexican flag painted on it.

PT: A Keg of Coors! A Keg of Coors!
BW: You oughta look again... that's A Keg of Corona!

Juvy gets Ho doing Kegstands until he passes out.

WINNER: Juventud Guerrera

After the match, Juvy challenges all of Team PI, until his Mexican compatriots come out to rescue him and drag him and The Keg to the back.

PT: Looks like the Mexicans now have a fifth!

[HeartBurn Kid]

(Backstage, a limousine is pulling in. It is black, with a sign of Baphomet scrawled on the hood in blood-red paint, and a license plate reading "666". Gangrel and Vampiro are there to meet it. They go to the passenger window.)
G: All is going according to plan, master.
?: Excellent.
(Gangrel and Vampiro walk away. The man in the limo laughs evilly.)

Back to ringside, as the theme from "Grease" is playing. Dino Callas is making his way out, accompanied by the Men From Greece.

BW: This here's some right bad news for Michel Picard!
PT: It's worse than you think! Rumor has it that all of Picard's teammates in Team Canada have been detained by customs!
BW: Wha?
PT: It seems somebody "tipped them off" to a terrorist plot that happened to involve 4 Canadian wrestlers...
W: Verily, these men have insidulious designs on America! Homeland Security is never wrong!
BW: But that means Michel will be all alone, with three men across the ring!

"Proud to be Canadian" hits as Michel Picard makes his way out... he starts to come down alone, but the music changes when he's halfway down the ramp... to "Cannonball"!

PT: Maybe not... here come Picard's fellow Cannonball Commission members, Jayce Simmons and John Roche!
BW: They might be Cannonballers... but they're also members of Team USA! Can Michel really trust them?!
W: Are you doubting the integrosityness of your countrymen?
BW: No... of course not...

MATCH 4: WWoW WORLD CUP
Michel Picard [CAN] vs. Dino Callas [GRE]

All six men enter the ring and stare each other down, with the referee coming in to try to make it one on one. The bell rings, and the 4 extra men get out of the ring.

BW: Looks like we're going to get a clean one-on-one match here...

Picard and Dino lock up, and Dino forces Picard into a corner. He then laces in with some knife-edge chops... until Michel ducks beneath one and dropkicks Callas into the corner! Picard on the offensive now, lacing into Callas with sharp kicks, finishing with a flip-dropkick. Callas staggers out of the corner, and gets caught with a drop toe-hold by Picard. Picard further presses his advantage by hitting a split-legged elbow drop from the corner! Cover... 1... 2... no! Dino gets to his feet, as Michel runs the ropes... and Dino catches Michel in a uranage slam! Dino goes for the cover... 1... 2... kickout! Dino keeps the advantage on Michel as he gets up, delivering punch after punch...but Michel blocks a punch and comes back with punches of his own! Michel bounds off the ropes, and hits a stiff forearm shot on Callas, and resumes control... until he gets tossed to the outside! The MFGs move in... but the Cannonballers meet them with a cold stare. Picard gets up to the apron, and Dino meets him... but Picard slides in between Dino's legs and dropkicks him out of the ring! Dino gets back onto the apron... and Picard goes to suplex him in... but Stavros grabs Picard's leg, and Dino falls on top of Picard! 1... The Cannonballers attack the MFGs, forcing Stavros to release Picard... 2... Picard rolls over Dino! 1... 2... 3!

WINNER: Michel Picard

After the match, the Cannonball Commission celebrates in the ring.

[HeartBurn Kid]

Backstage, Jared and Missy are leaving the arena.

MH: Jared, why did you walk out?
JS: Missy, he took you away from me for months. I can't let him do it again.
MH: What do you mean, "from you?"
JS: Missy, I... I... this is so hard to say... I--
P: Well, isn't this touching?
(Camera pans over to reveal Poison)
P: Missy! So glad to meet you after all this time...
MH: Who are you supposed to be?
JS: Missy, we should go...
P: What's your hurry? The name's Poison, and I've been so worried about you.. all tied up, in some dank basement, at the mercy of a dark, mysterious figure... oooh, I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
MH: Look, I don't know what you're getting at, but--
P: Oh, I think you do. You could have gotten away from him if you really wanted to. I think you stayed with him. I think you liked it.
MH: Hey! I--
P: After all, it's just the kind of thing that would turn on a slut like you.

Missy slaps Poison, and the two ladies stare each other down for a second. Then Poison tackles Missy, and the two roll around slapping punching each other and slamming each other's head into the concrete. Jared's quickly over, and pulls Missy away.

JS (staring down Poison): C'mon, Missy, we'll talk about this at the hotel.

Jared and Missy leave. Poison looks after them.

P: Oh, she's going to be so fun!

We come back to the arena as "Wind Up Girl" is playing. Mully and Washu make their way out.

BW: Looks like Poison and Missy have really hit it off together!
PT: I don't think that's the word, but we're getting ready for an incredible match here!
BW: Yes, Hand Maid Mully and Mary Mercy are both incredible competitors.
PT: No, I meant because they're both incredibly hot!

Washu removes Mully's key as "Bittersweet Symphony" starts up. The Mercys make their way out.

MATCH 5: wOw Women's Championship
Hand Maid Mully (c) vs. Mary Mercy

Mully and Mary lock up to start, but Mary goes to a cheap shot first, with a kick to the stomach. Mary dominates Mully in a brawl, until Mully drops and takes Mary down with a drop toe hold. Mully grabs onto an anklelock, but Mary quickly makes it over to the ropes, and Mully breaks clean. Mary and Mully circle each other again, and Mary makes the first move, charging in with a clothesline, which Mully ducks under, and Mary slams herself into a turnbuckle! Mary backs up from the impact, right into a german suplex by Mully!. Mully holds on... 1... 2... kickout. Mully's first to her feet, but Mary takes her down with a shoulder tackle before she could capitalize. Mary mounts Mully's midsection and lays in a series of punches to her face, until Mully rolls Mary over into a jacknife pin. 1... 2... Mary rolls through, catching Mully in a bridge pin! 1... 2... kickout. Mully and Mary go right at each other now, brawling back and forth, and Mully catches the upper hand. She whips Mary into the corner... and the ref, in the wrong position, gets caught between Mary and the turnbuckle. The problem is only compounded when Mully follows in with a body splash! The ref goes down, and so does Mary. Mully picks up Mary, and hits her with the Wind-Up! Mully covers, but there's no count. Mully gets up to wake up the referee... and in the meantime, Grace pulls Mary out of the ring and takes her place!

BW: That's not Mary! That's Grace! She hasn't even been in this match!

With the referee awake, Mully rolls up Grace... 1... 2... but Grace reverses the pin! 1... 2... 3!

WINNER: Mary Mercy

After the match, Grace holds up the belt and celebrates... until "Cannonball" hits! RD Reynolds makes his way out with a mic in his hand...

RD: As if I didn't have enough to do tonight, I have to come out here and police the title matches? I saw you swap places with your sister, Grace, and wOw titles are NOT won that way! Therefore, effective immediately, Mary Mercy is STRIPPED of the Women's title, and it is restored to Hand Maid Mully!

BW: There is justice!

RD: What's more, after our next commercial break, this match will resume--as a non-title match! And ALL parties will be barred from ringside!

As the Mercys yell from the ring at RD, we go to break.

[HeartBurn Kid]

When we come back, Washu is winding up Mully. The ref tells both Grace and Washu to leave; Washu removes Mully's key, and they leave without incident.

PT: Oh, come on, this isn't fair; if Mully winds down, she's helpless without Washu there!
BW: Regardless, you heard what the commissioner said; nobody at ringside. The ref's just doing his job here.

MATCH 6: Non-title
Hand Maid Mully vs. Mary Mercy

Mary, already tired and hurt, launches a sloppy spear at Mully, who simply steps aside. Mary instead ends up launching herself into the ringpost, shoulder-first. Mully pulls Mary back in, and sets up for the Wind-Up, but Mary manages to reverse it into a suplex. Mary's right on the downed Mully, laying in punches to the face, but the far less-winded Mully is able to hook Mary betweeen the legs and turn her over... 1... 2... kickout! Both women back on their feet, and Mary goes for a clothesline, which Mully ducks again! However, Mary quckly pivots and throws another clothesline, which Mully eats!

PT: Mary's been trying all night to hit that clothesline, and she's finally got it!

Mary goes for the quick cover... 1... 2... kickout! Mully gets to her feet, and Mary whips her into the ropes... as Mully rebounds back, Mary hits a massive spinebuster! 1... 2... suddenly, the ref is pulled out of the ring, by Barbara Vixen! Barbara climbs into the ring, and takes out her frustrations on both women before getting a mic.

NO CONTEST

BV: RD Reynolds, I DEMAND you get out here now!

RD enters.

RD: WHAT? What is it?
BV: You mean you can't guess? First you bump my title match from ESIII due to "time constraints", and now... now you give some SCRUB my title shot? What the hell are you doing, Reynolds?
RD: Look, I went over your contract, and you're right, it does guarantee you a title shot within 30 days. There's one thing it doesn't guarantee you, though, and that's the very NEXT title shot, or really, any say over the scheduling. Your title shot is MINE to give, understand? And I will give it to you... but on MY terms, when I say it's time! Remember, Ms. Vixen, you don't run wOw... I do!

"Cannonball" hits as RD walks out. Barbara's pissed, and kicks the turnbuckle. Cut to backstage, where Finale and Brandon Downard are standing.

F: At least ONE thing went right for me last Sunday...
BD: Don't be so hard on yourself.
F: Look, you know your part tonight, right?
BD: Yeah, and I can't wait.
F: Good. Tonight, those two learn why you do NOT *beep* with the Axis of Evil.

[HeartBurn Kid]

When we come back, the words "We are the space robots, we are here to protect you" are heard, and this is followed by "It's Not Unusual", as T'Omm J'Onzz, Max Moon, and William Shatner make their way out.

BW: So, what's this guy's deal?
PT: You mean you can't tell? He's a martian lounge singer!
W: Verily, if this man has dwelled upon the surface of the red planetoidian, he has true foke, for naught can thrive in that debilitatious environment!
BW: Uhhh... yeah, so this should be a hell of a match!

Max Moon gets on the mic.

MM: Citizens of Earth! Team Outer Space has come to protect you! Despite our setback at Electric Supernova III, we shall win this prize that is known to your people as the "Weird World of Wrestling cup!"
WS: Yes... this... tournamentisimportant... forreasons... you... cannot understand! It... is imperative... thatwewin... that cup! For... the sake... oftheFUTURE!

"DON'T TREAD ON ME!" James Hetfield's voice barks over the PA. It's replaced with "Think Twice", as Jayce Simmons makes his way out, accompanied by John Roche... and Michel Picard!

BW: Simmons and Roche helped Picard out earlier, and it looks like he's returning the favor!
W: BAH! These men are no patriots! How could they go and make... alliances! With foreigners! Our first duty is to America and to DESTRUCITYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
PT: Wait... weren't you just defending their integrity?
W: If these men would ally with our country's enemies, they HAVE no integritiousnessity!

MATCH 7: WWoW World Cup, First Round
Jayce Simmons [USA] vs. T'Omm J'Onzz [OSP]

The two men start by going for a tieup, but J'Onzz slips behind and hits Simmons with a face crusher! J'Onzz starts dancing over the fallen Simmons.

PT: You know, I'm really liking this T'Omm J'Onzz guy. Is that normal?
BW: Well, it's not unusual.

That turns out to be his last offense, though, as this match is ALL Simmons. Brutal, brutal squash.

WINNER: Jayce Simmons

After the match, Max Moon and William Shatner come in to help their comrade. Roche and Picard slide in as well, and the two sides stare off for a second... but then Simmons makes a move, and the Outer Space reps bail.

[HeartBurn Kid]

We come back to "Fight Test" playing as Diablos and Newtype make their way out, accompanied by Finale. "Vampires" hits, and the Sabbat rises up from beneath the ramp, to make their way to the ring! Vampiro hands a note to the ring announcer, who reads:

RA: By order of the commissioner, all Gundams have been barred from this match!
BW: That's HUGE news, and bound to make Finale a very unhappy man!

MAIN EVENT: (almost) No DQ, no Countout
Diablos and Newtype vs. The Sabbat

The Sabbat start right off picking apart the less-experienced Diablos and the Gundam-less Newtype. Finally The Sabbat boot both men out of the ring, where they start digging for weapons. Gangrel follows out, and eats a cane shot by Diablos! Newtype follows that with a trashcan to the head. The match degenerates into garbage wrestling, as the two tandems lay in weapon shot after weapon shot, fighting towards the entryway--where Finale and Brandon Downard run out! The 4 AoE'ers thoroughly destroy the Sabbat, and drag their carcasses back into the ring. Diablos covers Gangrel... 1... 2... kickout! Diablos, panicking, moves to cover Vampiro... 1.. 2... kickout! The four AoEers move in for the kill... but Finale gets a chair to the back of the head from... Chris Dobbs?

BW: What in tarnation is Chris Dobbs doing here?!

The other AoEers move against HBK, but he manages to serve up chairshots to all of 'em... before the lights go out. Red lights flash, and creepy murmurs are heard... until the lights come back on, the Sabbat standing, the AoE and Dobbs in a pile, and a man in a Cardinal's outfit is standing atop the pile! Vampiro gives the man a mic, as the crowd begins to boo...

NO CONTEST

CS: Welcome, friends! I am Cardinal Synne! And what you have just witnessed is just a taste of the power of evil! From this day forward, nothing shall be sacred! For wOw is now under seige by the Church of Synne!
BW: By God... these men just took out 4 members of the Axis of Evil, plus the International Champion! We might just be witnessing the start of something big!