wOw Primetime 7/4

[HeartBurn Kid]

(Grinspoon's "Champion" opens the show, as always, and we go to the arena as "Hiphopper" is playing. PT Midnite and Warrior are just sitting down at the announce position.)
BW: Happy Independence Day, folks, and welcome to wOw Primetime! This here's ol' "Big Foot", Barry Windham, and I'm being joined by our fifth contestant in our Commentator Search, P. T. Midnite! And it appears PT's brought a guest...
PT: Guest, nothing! I try to start one little business venture with this goofball, and he won't leave me alone!
W: Yeah, but verily, the destrucity has willed that we should be like yin and yang, alpha and omega, brother and sister!
PT: You're not my sister, damnit.
BW: We've got a full card tonight, so let's get this show going!

("FCC", as performed by Coybito, begins to play as Frederick C. Crichton makes his way down to the ring, microphone in hand. He gets in the ring and calls for his music to be cut, and waits for the boos to stop.)
FCC: WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP ALREADY?!
(A new chorus of boos emerges.)
FCC: Don't you get it?! I'm doing this for you! The airwaves are filled with sickos and degenerates, and they are preying on the minds of your children! YOUR CHILDREN! If you won't protect them from this filth, I WILL! And I will start with the degenerate I'm facing tonight! I--
(FCC is interrupted as "Barbie Girl" hits. Mr. PAV comes out, with a mic in his own hand.)
PAV: HELLO, THWEETIES! Oooooh, Mr. Crichton, with all your protethting, I think you're trying to hide thomething here. Could it be you're jutht a little bit turned on? Deep, down inthide, you're aching for a pieth of the P. A. V.?
FCC: WHAT?! I never--
PAV: Well, maybe you thould! You might like it!
(Crowd erupts into cheers.)
PAV: C'mon, Freddy, you know you want some of THITH! (smacks his own ass).
(FCC, enraged, charges to the outside and tackles PAV.)

MATCH 1:

Frederick C. Crichton vs. Mr. PAV

BW: FCC not waiting to start this one off!
W: Truly, this man has the Warrior Soul within him!

After wailing on PAV for a while, FCC whips him in the ring. FCC makes his way into the ring himself, to get a shoulder tackle from PAV! The momentum sends FCC into the ropes, and he crumbles to the ground, face first. PAV gets down on top of FCC and plays his butt like a set of bongos.

PT: Hah! PAV humiliating FCC here, and the little bastard deserves it!
BW: Yup, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

FCC hastily crawls out from under PAV, and gets up, holding his butt. PAV blows a kiss to FCC, and FCC looks like he's going to puke.

W: By the sun and the moon, PAV shall meet his end to this warrior of righteousness!

PAV moves in again, but FCC shoves him away. PAV hits the ropes, and FCC follows in with a boot to the stomach, causing PAV to crumble to the mat. FCC double stomps PAV while he's down, then picks him up, and short-arm clotheslines him! FCC goes for a second clothesline, but PAV goes behind him, and gives him a smack in the butt!

BW: Yup, there's PAV, the very definition of a "go-behind-er".

FCC, now pissed off, tackles PAV, and pummels him with rights and lefts to the face. Then, FCC gets up and stomps PAV. He makes a cutting-the-throat motion, then picks up PAV, and attempts to apply a Beast-Choker type move, but PAV counters his way into the Father Nelson! Before he can lock it in, though, he's attacked from behind!

PT: HOLY --!! THAT'S TOM SERVO!!!
BW: TOM SERVO??!! I NEVER thought we'd see him again!

The ref calls for the bell, but that doesn't stop FCC and Servo from thoroughly destroying PAV.

(Winner (by DQ): MR. PAV)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(As we come back from break, "FCC" is still playing, and Windham is going to the ring with a mic.)

PT: Welcome back, folks... Barry Windham is going in to get a word with the apparently newly returned Tom Servo. I told him not to, I told him it's suicide, but he said he just had to find out what was going on.

(Barry Windham climbs into the ring)

BW: Tom Servo, I thought we'd never, ever see you back here in wOw, not after the way you walked out. What in tarnation are you doing here?
(Servo snatches the mic out of Windham's hand)
BW: SHUT UP!
(Windham promptly does so.)
TS: First off, don't you EVER call me by that ridiculous name again. My name is Thomas Serveaux! Secondly, do you know why I walked out, Barry? Do you?
BW: Weren't you whining over not getting as high on the card as you saw yourself?
TS: Oh, you've got a mouth on you, Barry. A dangerous mouth.
(Serveaux stares down Windham with a look of malice in his eyes)
TS: No, I left because I saw this place being over-run with filth! With slime! With degenerate behavior! And I couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't live with myself one more day, working for such smut-peddlers! But, then, I met this man, and he told me about his mission--a mission to make wOw a clean, decent place. Or, if that task proved impossible, to destroy it in the process! And, that, my friends, is something I could live with!
(Barry snatches the mic out of Servo's hand)
BW: Oh, give it a rest! We all know the real reason you walked out, and it had nothing to do with smut! You just weren't happy with your direction, so you took your damn ball and went home! And now, because you're so damn bitter, seeing wOw succeed without you, you come in here, wanting to destroy the place just to make yourself feel better...
TS: You better watch it, Windham...
BW: And you (turns to Crichton), you walk around here, bitching and moaning about how other people live their lives, something you have no control over! And you do it dressed up like a cut-rate IRS! Son, I know Mike Rotundo, I tag-teamed with Mike Rotundo, and you are NO Mike Rotun--
(Serveaux Pearl Harbor's Windham, and FCC joins in on the assault. They pummel him into a fine paste, then walk out as "FCC" hits again.)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(As we come back, Barry Windham is being stretchered out.)
PT: Well, it looks like Barry Windham isn't going to be able to finish the show tonight, thanks to Crichton and Serveaux. I've been talking to Commissioner Reynolds about the commentary situation, and we agreed that I should stay on in the booth until the show ends.
W: It seems the moon and stars have aligned for a fortuitous circumstance! For now we shall continue to remain here with you, our viewers, and disseminate more Warrior Wisdom!
PT: Hey, the Commish said I can stay, not you! Why don't you go solve some crimes or read your dictionary again or something?
W: Because the great Warrior in the sky has preordinated our lives to intertwine that we shall deliver our foke unto the masses! Besides, I have already read my dictionary to the point of destrucity.
("Crazy Train" hits, as Howard Dean makes his way out, looking kind of angry. He takes his seat at the commentary position.)
PT: Wow, what an honor. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting our next guest commentator, former candidate for the President of the United States, Howard Dean! How are you, Mr. Dean?
HD: Well, I'll tell you, since I got assassinated by the press and my presidential run cut short, I haven't been too good. I had to take this gig just to give myself something to do, since I resigned my governorship to run, and to top it all off, I have you people giving me theme music that calls me crazy!
W: Verily, the music speaketh the truth! For everybody is crazy without the Warrior Soul, and truly, Mr. Dean, you have no Warrior Soul!
HD: ... Does this painted goon have to be here?
PT: Hey, if you've got a way to get rid of him, I'm all ears.

(This banter is interrupted as "She Hates Me" hits, and He Hate Me makes his way down to the ring. After he steps in, "We Want Fun" hits as Adam Knoxville comes out, riding in a shopping cart down the ramp! The cart crashes into the ring, catapulting Knoxville between the ropes.)

MATCH 2:

He Hate Me vs. Adam Knoxville

He Hate Me puts Knoxville away with little effort, with Knoxville only getting short, sporadic bursts of offense in, before falling victim to the Carolina Panther Bomb (double underhook powerbomb).

(WINNER: He Hate Me)

After the match, He Hate Me poses, as FCC and Serveaux make their way back out. He Hate Me stares down FCC for a second, before saying, "He's all yours" and leaving. Crichton and Serveaux take the opportunity to pummel the hell out of Knoxville.

PT: Damn, these guys have been dominating the first half of our show tonight! First they took out PAV, then Windham, and now Adam Knoxville! Where will it end?!
HD: These guys are just like those guys in the press that ended my presidential run! They called me manic, damnit! MANIC! Do I look manic to you?!!
PT: .... Um, no. Now please don't hurt me.

[HeartBurn Kid]

(As we come back, "Dirty Business" is playing, as the oWo makes their way down to the ring.)
PT: We have a treat for you tonight, fans! We're going to see a US Tag Team Title match, right here on Primetime!
HD: Are you excited? I'm excited! Damn, I'm excited!
PT: You're always excited.
HD: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
(Travis calls for the mic)
TC: OK! Now, tonight, you are all in for something special! You're going to see Phase 1 of Travis Corleone's Master Plan go into action, as my boys here, my bambinos, take the US Tag Team Titles, and put themselves in line for a world title shot! Tonight, the world finds out that Travis Corleone ALWAYS gets what he wants! Capisce?
(The theme from "Grease" hits as the Men From Greece make their way out, holding up their belts!)

MATCH 3: Tag-team Title Match

Men From Greece (c) vs. GoodFellas, Inc.

Nico starts out with Tony, and dominates him, using his size advantage to nullify the little man, until he accidentally whips Tony into his own corner, where he tags in Paul E. Paul makes his way in, and makes a far more formidable match for Nico, but Nico eventually overpowers him as well. Nico tags in Stavros, and they go for the "HOPA!" elbows, but Joey Numbers reaches in and pulls Stavros out by the foot. Numbers works Stavros out on the floor, while the ref tries to get Nico out of the ring. Numbers rolls Stavros back in before the ref knows what happened.

HD: WHY THAT DIRTY BASTARD! He dragged that Greek fella out of the ring! He's not even supposed to BE in this match!
PT: Calm down, Howard. Think happy thoughts...

Paul E. capitalizes, using his superior speed against Stavros, keeping him off balance until he tags out to Big Tony, who uses his even greater speed to marvelous effect! Tony does a magnificent job of keeping Stavros confused while hitting and running.

W: This is not how a Warrior fights! This jumping around and galavanting about!
HD: So, how does a warrior fight?
PT: He shoots himself full of steroids and shakes the ropes like an idiot, I think.

Eventually, Stavros catches Tony in a hurracanrana attempt, and turns it into a sitout powerbomb, which gets two. After working Tony some more, Stavros tags in Nico, and they signal the Big Fat Greek Suplex.

PT: Looks like this one's over!

Nico sets up Tony in the corner, while Stavros gets into position, but, as he's about to launch into the suplex, Paul E. distracts the ref, and Travis mounts the ring apron and shoves down Nico! Numbers runs in and knocks Stavros out of the ring with a powerful clothesline, and Tony twists himself into a pinning position. Paul lets the ref go, and he counts... 1... 2... Suddenly, Nico's pulled out of the ring by Dexter Hart, who has a chair in his hand! Joey goes after Dex, and eats a chair to the head for his trouble. Paul E. comes around, and gets a chair shot too, and another for Big Tony! Dex rolls Tony back into the ring, as Nico and Stavros mount the turnbuckles...

PT: The ref has lost all control here! This is utter chaos!

The Greeks shout "HOPA!" and drop the elbows... Stavros rolls out as Nico goes for the pin... 1... 2... 3!

(WINNERS: Men From Greece)

After the match, Dex chases the oWo off with the chair while the MFG celebrate with their belts!

PT: And the champs retain their belts!
HD: And that's not all! They're gonna defend those belts in California! And Oregon! And Washington! And Texas! And North Dakota! And South Dakota! And then they'll go to Electric Supernova III, still the US Tag Team Champions! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
PT: ... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Kaaaaaaaaaaaay. Well, coming up next, MMV will be here with a HUGE announcement about the future of wOw!

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back backstage, where FCC and Thomas Serveaux are leaving, ear-to-ear grins on their faces.)
FCC: Great job, Mr. Serveaux, great job! I think we made a big difference tonight!
TS: Yeah!
FCC: Tonight, wOw found out what happens when you cross FCC. And this is only the beginning.
(FCC and Serveaux leave the frame, and the oWo enter the frame, noticeably less cheery)
TC: That little rat! I can't believe he stuck his nose in our business again! He's a dead man, damnit! Dexter Hart is a dead man walking!
PEG: Fuhgeddaboutit, boss. Come Electric Supernova III, we're gonna teach that little gavone some manners.
TC: You better, damnit. You better.
(The oWo leaves. Cut back to the commentary position, where PT and Warrior are sitting next to Joey Styles, who's wearing a bald cap and a fake mustache.)
PT: We're back, and we're joined by our next guest commentator, Joey--
EG: *ahem*
PT: ...errr... Extreme Gene.
EG: Thank you, PT! I'm sure glad to be here with all this great action we've had tonight! Now, let's go to MMV! Take it!
(Cut to ring, where MMV is standing. There's something large behind him, covered in a sheet.)
MMV: Ladies and gentlemen! Thank you very much for coming out tonight, to see wOw Primetime!
(Crowd pops)
MMV: Now, some of you read the dirtsheets, some of you have been hitting the websites, so some of you have already heard the rumors. Well, tonight, I'm here to make it official. In the weeks to come, you're going to see the best, the brightest, the strangest, and the flat out most whacked-out competitors from all over the world in this very ring, fighting for this!
(MMV pulls off the sheet, revealing a gigantic, ornate cup)
MMV: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present: The Weird World of Wrestling Cup! So, keep watching wOw in the weeks to come to see this competition come to a head!
("Champion" begins to play as we pull out of the ring.)
W: Verily, an accolade worthy of a Warrior!
PT: Wow, you're right for once! Just imagine the great matches we'll have in the weeks to come in the contest to hold the Weird World of Wrestling Cup!
EG: Yes, but WHO will be competing? The answers are on Extreme Gene's hotline! Call now! 1-900-909-9900! That's 1-900-909-9900! Only $8.99 per minute! CALL TODAY!
PT: Jo--err, Gene--the teams themselves don't know yet!
(Fade to commercial)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(Fade in on R. D. Reynolds' office. Harry Potsmoker enters, and his eyes meet Jayce Simmons'--the two move to attack each other, but R. D. steps between them)
RD: HEY! HEY! BREAK IT UP DAMNIT! THAT'S NOT WHY I CALLED YOU HERE!
(Potsmoker and Simmons step down, still eyeing each other warily.)
RD: Now, the reason I called the both of you here is that it's time to put an end to this feud! It's time for the Death Eaters and the Cannonball Commission to make peace! And that's what I wanted to discuss with you, Harry... Now, I know you heard the announcement of the WWoW cup just now, and I feel that only the best should represent the good old USA, which is why I want two members each from two of the greatest stables ever in wOw--The Death Eaters, and the Cannonball Commission. If the two of you can put aside your petty differences, you'll be unstoppable!
HP: ...
RD: Think about it, Harry! I'm giving you and your team-mates the opportunity to represent the USA--to represent wOw--against some of the greatest talent in the world!
HP: ... I don't know about making peace--me and Simmons still have a lot of issues to work out--but I would be proud for the Death Eaters and the Cannonball Commission to stand side-by-side and represent America.
RD: Well, hell, that's good enough for me.
(Crowd erupts into cheers as RD and Harry shake hands)

(Back out to arena, where Inita Ho is making his way out.)
PT: Wow! A huge announcement from our commish!
EG: An EXTREME! announcement!
W: Quite a splendiferous resonation!
EG: What?
PT: Don't even bother trying to understand him. I gave up months ago.
(Ho gets on the mic)
IH: So, the white man decides he's gonna hold a tournament to crown the world's best? And he didn't even invite my brothers from the islands? That's OK, because the island boys will represent in this little tournament. I'll see to that!
PT: Nobody said your "island boys" couldn't be in. Moron.
("Mope" hits as Silent Storm makes his way down.)

MATCH 4 (non-title):
Inita Ho vs. Silent Storm

Ho pretty much dominates most of the match, until near the end, where Storm starts to fight back! It proves all to be for naught, though, when Jamal runs in through the crowd, pasting Storm while Ho has the ref distracted. Ho hits the Samoan drop, and 1, 2, 3.

WINNER: Inita Ho

After the match, Ho makes a few motions to Jamal, who then picks up Storm as Ho sets up a table on the outside. Jamal sets up Storm on the top turnbuckle, then hits powerbombs him through the table onto the floor!

EG: OH! MY! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
PT: Just couldn't resist, could you?

Ho and Jamal beat on Storm some more, until John Roche runs out from the back, and "The HeartBurn Kid" Chris Dobbs runs out from the crowd at the same time, both wielding steel chairs! After a couple of shots to the big Samoan, Ho and Jamal get out of dodge. This leaves HBK and Roche staring each other down as we go to break.

[HeartBurn Kid]

(Backstage, Simmons walks up to Potsmoker.)
HP: And what, pray tell, do you want?
JS: Look, if we're going to team up for this WWoW cup thing, we're going to need to put aside our differences, at least for a while. This isn't a game; we're going to have to work together if we want to win this cup for our country.
HP: I'm a big man. I can put our grudge aside.
JS: Then let's prove it. I talked to RD, and he's scrapped his originally-planned main event so that the two of us can team up and show our solidarity against 2 members of the Soverign Supremacy. All I need is your hand to seal the deal.
HP: OK, let's do this.
(HP and JS shake, and JS starts to walk away, but HP pulls him back face-to-face)
HP: But understand this, pretty-boy... you make one wrong move out there--ONE--and this little show of solidarity, as well as your dreams of winning the cup, go UP... IN... SMOKE.

(Back out to the arena, where the Zebra Squadron is pulling apart HBK and Roche.
PT: Folks, you missed one hell of a brawl during the break! Things finally seem to be calming down now, though, and we're joined by our final guest commentator for tonight, Keith Scott.
KS: *ahem*
PT: Oh, fine... best-selling author and noted wrestling columnist, Keith Scott. Happy now?
KS: Deliriously so.
W: Stupendocious!
PT: Is that even a word?
W: When you are gifted with the magnaminous perspicacity of Warrior, the english language isn't big enough to elucidate your innermost synaptic firings.
(Suddenly, the lights dim. "Ramp! (The Logical Song)" hits, and DDR arrow-shaped lights start to fill the arena. A spotlight hits near the entryway, revealing J-Rad. He makes his way down to the ring, stopping along the way to play an impromptu few steps of DDR with the moving light arrows. He enters the ring, and basks in the boos for a bit, as he gets on the mic.)
JR: Who loves you, baby?!
(Crowd boos louder)
JR: Now, now, I know you're all so glad to see me... after all, the JQ--the J-Rad Quotient--of these shows has been on a severe downswing lately, and we've seen what's happened! Match quality, never been worse! Ratings, rock bottom! This ring, filled with boring stiffs who couldn't work a match to save their lives! (shoots glances at HBK and Roche). But you can all celebrate now! J-Rad is back, baby! And I am proud to announce that I will be gracing the main event of this very show! Because "J-Rad" is actually Norwegian for "Main Event God!" So, stay tuned, and soon, you'll get to see My Gloriousness mop the floor with a couple of jobbers by the names of Harvey Pothead and Jesse Simon! Thank you! I love you all!
(Just then, HBK and Roche break free and charge each other, getting J-Rad caught in the middle. The three brawl for a bit, with J-Rad catching the worst of it, until the Zebras break them up again.
PT: Ladies and gentlemen, this is our last commercial! We'll be back!

[HeartBurn Kid]

(As we come back, Prodigy is making his way to the ring as the final strains of "Kashmir" fade away. Prodigy and J-Rad converse for a second.)
PT: Before the break, J-Rad had some harsh words for his opponents tonight, and all of wOw as well! Let's see if he can back them up!
KS: Of course he can back them up! J-Rad is one of the greatest performers this sport has ever seen, and it's a shame that this glass ceiling has been brought to bear on him, with all the old guard playing politics to keep him out of the main event picture!
W: This J-Rad talks a rambulious game, but does he have the Foke to back it up? I say thee nay!
("Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" hits as Jayce Simmons starts to make his way out)
PT: And there's another story here, as Harry Potsmoker and Jayce Simmons are here to prove to themselves and the world that they can put their differences aside in pursuit of a common goal.
KS: Which they'll never do! Simmons and Potsmoker have huge egos, and they're constantly trying to one-up each other. And why? Because of a woman! That's why I'll never have a girlfriend--they're too much trouble!
PT: And here I thought it was because of the ghastly reek of BO and poutine...
("Carmelina" hits as Potsmoker makes his way out.)
W: These two Warriors SHALL cohabitate! The Way Of The Warrior runs deep withinside them!
KS: ... Never mind.
PT: Good call.

MAIN EVENT:

Prodigy & J-Rad (Soverign Supremacy) vs. Harry Potsmoker & Jayce Simmons

Prodigy starts for his team (decided by a round of Roh-Sham-Bo with J-Rad), but Potsmoker and Simmons can't even decide who will start for them; the bickering breaks out almost immediately.

KS: There! See? See? The match isn't even underway yet, and already the egos are colliding!

The matter is finally decided for them when Prodigy blindsides Potsmoker, sending him to the outside. Simmons fights back against Prodigy, driving him into a neutral corner with a sharp dropkick to the chest. Jayce follows in by leaping onto the second turnbuckle and getting into a 10-punch countalong, with the crowd eagerly joining into the cout... but Jayce only gets to 6 before Prodigy powers out with a spinebuster. Prodigy whips Simmons into his own corner and tags in J-Rad.

PT: This should get real interesting now, with both the high flyers in this match!
W: High flyers! Bah! All this flippy-flippy rambunctiousness is no way for a Warrior to fight!

J-Rad wastes no time, using the ropes to turn himself into a martial-arts kicks on Simmons! J-Rad goes to capitalize with a monkey flip, but Simmons rolls through, ending up in a pinning perdicament on J-Rad! 1... 2... J-Rad kicks out. Simmons has the advantage now, and he presses it with a flip dropkick on J-Rad before making the tag out to Potsmoker.

PT: Potsmoker and Simmons are working surprisingly well together, for their rough start!
KS: You watch my words... sooner or later, those backstage politicking egos are going to get the best of these two...

Potsmoker does an effective job of neutralizing J-Rad, through the use of grounding mat techniques combined with the occasional pounding, but J-Rad eventually mounts a comeback, reversing Potsmoker into a neutral corner--where, unfortunately, the Ref happened to be at the time. Zebra-boy goes down hard. With the referee out, Johnny Ramon makes his way out to uneven the sides a bit. He pulls Simmons off the apron, knocking him down, and then the three triple-team Potsmoker for a bit.

PT: Damnit! This isn't right!
KS: Right? Right and wrong have nothing to do with it! This is wrestling! And where's Simmons now? He's off being lazy, letting Potsmoker get beaten down...
PT: No, he isn't! Here he comes now!

Jayce Simmons comes back in the ring with a chair! Shot for Ramon! Shot for Prodigy! Shot for J-Rad! Shot for Ramon, again! Shot for... Potsmoker?!

KS: HAH! I knew it!

Simmons suddenly realizes what he's done, but not before Prodigy dumps him out of the ring. The ref comes to just as J-Rad crawls over and lays his arm across Potsmoker's chest... 1... 2... 3! "Ramp!" hits!

(WINNERS: Soverign Supremacy)

After the match, Potsmoker regains consciousness, as Simmons tries to help him to his feet... Potsmoker shoves Simmons away! The two get in each other's faces, jawing at one another... then they begin brawling!

KS: THE MEGA-EGOS ASPLODE!
PT: We're outta time, folks! Thanks for watching, and be sure to hit dubohdub.com and log YOUR vote for who you think should be the new Primetime color man!
KS: And everybody knows I'm the best, so you might as well vote for me and get it over with!
W: TUNE IN NEXT TIME! SAME WARRIOR TIME! SAME WARRIOR CHANNELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Fade out as Simmons and Potsmoker continue to brawl)