wOw Primetime: The WWoW Cup Begins!

[HeartBurn Kid]

("Champion" plays us into the show, to be replaced by "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews as Planet Stasiak makes his entrance, flanked by William Shatner, who's waving the Federation banner.)
BW: Welcome, everybody, to wOw Primetime! This here's ol' "Big Foot" Barry Windham, and I'm joined here by P.T. Midnite and Warrior!
PT: No time to talk tonight, Barry! We've got an action-packed show tonight! And we're starting with this first-round WWoW cup match!
W: There may be no time for your pointless blather, but there is always time to talk about DESTRUCITY!
(Stasiak gets tangled up in the waving flag, and has to fight his way out of it. He has a harsh word or two with Shatner, then turns around and smacks right into a ringpost.)
PT: Geez, Stasiak's not off to a good start tonight...
W: Verily, if this is what passes for our competition in this "cup", then our victory is truly fore-ordained!
("Break on Through" by The Doors cranks up as a paper-mache wall, printed with the Parts Unknown flag (a black field with a question mark) has been placed in front of the entryway. The Shockmaster comes bursting through it--and trips on it, falling and rolling all the way down the ramp.
BW: Yeah, they might as well give you guys the cup now, huh?
W: He's... justtryingtomakehisopponentlosefoke. Yeah.
PT: Right...

MATCH 1: WWoW CUP, FIRST ROUND
The Shockmaster [PUK] vs. Planet Stasiak [OSP]

The bell rings, with both men rolling around in pain outside the ring. The ref nearly counts both men out, but Stasiak makes it to his feet, throws the Shockmaster in, and follows in himself. He comes in and begins stomping away at SM. SM rolls over, and Stasiak trips over the big man.

PT: Stasiak stealing a page from the Shockmaster's book...

Shockmaster gets on his feet, and pulls Stasiak up to his, then whips him into the ropes. SM bounds into the opposite ropes, and launches into a powerful clothesline... that misses completely, thanks to Stasiak ducking. The force of SM's own momentum sends him through the ropes to the ground. Stasiak bounds off the ropes again, then grabs the ropes to try and stop himself...only he tumbles over the top and ends up tangled up in the ropes!

BW: So far, these two have done more to hurt themselves than each other!

Shockmaster takes advantage of the situation, pulling on Stasiak's legs to wrench his arms... this works pretty well until the ref untangles Stasiak just as The Shockmaster gives his hardest tug, and pulls Stasiak right on top of himself! The ref begins to count, but Shockmaster gets to his feet and rolls Stasiak back into the ring, before following in himself. He pulls Shawn to his feet, then whips him into the corner, and follows in for a body splash... but Stasiak falls over from the impact with the turnbuckles, and Shockmaster eats turnbuckle as well, and falls! Stasiak is the first to his feet, and climbs up the turnbuckle for a splash... but slips at the top and ends up flipping backwards before making impact!

PT: Woah...
W: ...
BW: This is unbelievable! Stasiak just executed a textbook Shooting Star Press, apparently by accident!

The ref counts... 1... 2... 3!

WINNER: Planet Stasiak

The ref raises Stasiak's hand, but Shawn has no idea where he is. He pulls his hand down, staggers about a bit, throws a punch at the air, falls, and passes out.

(Cut to back where Vampire Warrior, Vampiro, Silent Storm, and Dexter Hart are sitting around a card table in a set-up similar to the APA offices--but in place of the beer, there's cans of Mountain Dew, and the table's covered with books and 10-sided dice. The camera gets a good look at one of the books--it reads, "Vampire: The Masquerade: 3rd Edition".)
VW: OK, so the Prince grabs you by the throat. What do you do?
SS: i go all SSJ3 and blow up teh planet lol
(Everybody else at the table stares at Silent Storm, dumbfounded)
SS: playa hataz
(Finale walks up, bypassing the door set up)
F: Ah, if it isn't my newest disciples. I...
VW and V, simultaneously: USE THE DOOR!
(Finale shrugs, and walks back around the door, then opens it)
VW: Hey, didn't anybody ever teach you to knock?
(Finale sighs, closes the door, then knocks.)
VW: Enter the pit of darkness, O weary traveler. MWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Finale gets a dumbfounded look on his face.)
VW: That means come in.
V: Yeah, for the leader of the "Axis of Evil", you don't know a lot about Evilspeak, do you?
(Finale comes through the door.)
F: Enough tomfoolery! I understand the two of you have signed wOw contracts, and you will be having your debut match tonight! I have come to inform you that, should you win, you shall be offered prestigious spots in the Axis of Evil!
V: Wow, I didn't think they'd have us debut so fast! So who are our unlucky victims?
F: That would be... SILENT STORM AND DEXTER HART! Make me proud!
(Finale exits through the door. Dex and Storm get scared looks on their faces, as VW and Vampiro get menacing looks on theirs.)
DH: C'mon, guys, I thought we were cool?
VW: Well, nothing personal, but...
(Right then, VW upends the table. VW and Vampiro get right to work on DH and SS, beating them with chairs, books, and anything else they can get their hands on.)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back from break backstage, as Frederick C. Crichton and Thomas Serveaux are bursting into R. D. Reynold's office. FCC looks livid.)
FCC: RD, we need to talk!
RD: About...
FCC: You know damn well what about! Last week, my associate and I were ROBBED of our chance to represent the moral fiber of America! And now America will be represented by that batch of... of... DEGENERATES! We demand satisfaction!
RD: Hey, from where I was sitting, it looks like Team America beat you and the Security guys in the middle of the ring, 1... 2... 3. But, if you're so intent on a match tonight, well, I have had a cancellation, and I'll be happy to put the two of you in his slot!
FCC: Against?
RD: I can't say, but don't worry; it'll be a handicap match!
FCC: Thank you, Mr. Reynolds!
(FCC and Serveaux walk out)


("Girls' Psychology" is playing as we return, and Sakura Kasugano is climbing in the ring, as Dan and Storm are taking their spots in the corner. "Dirrty" hits, and Jocelyn Richter makes her way out.)
BW: Folks, if you missed the show last week, these two women were attacked in the middle of a match by Poison and the Mercy Sisters. Tonight, they're teaming up and out for revenge!
("Bittersweet Symphony" hits, and the Mercy Sisters make their way out.)

MATCH 2:

Jocelyn Richter and Sakura Kasugano vs. The Mercy Sisters

The instant the Mercys hit the ring, a Pier Six Brawl breaks out between all four women.

PT: Wow, so much hate, girls... hey, where's the love?
W: Love, shmove! There is raging antidexestablismentarianism in that ring! The true calling of a WARIARRRRRR!

As the girls brawl, Poison makes her way down to the commentary position.

P (to Warrior): Hey, 'roid boy, why don't you give up your seat for a lady?!

Warrior stands, stares down Poison as if to say, "I could crush you like a bug" (except in a lot wordier manner), then turns away. Poison takes the newly vacated chair.

BW: It appears we're being joined by Jocelyn's opponent at Electric Supernova III, Poison. What are you doing out here anyway?
P: Oh, the usual, scout the competition, give the lonely boys watching from their mothers' basements a few thrills...

The match is finally under control, with Jocelyn and Mary having vacated. Grace is physically dominating Sakura.

BW: At any rate, Grace is using her height advantage to the fullest, dominating young Sakura.
PT: You know, with two women in short skirts grabbing each other like that, the word "dominating" takes on a whole new meaning.
P: You like what you see in there? You want a taste of that?
PT: Oh, god yes.
P: How's it feel to want, virgin?

At the moment, Grace is using her boot to choke Sakura against the bottom turnbuckle in a neutral corner. She swings her other foot onto the turnbuckle, to apply more leverage, with the referee counting. 1... 2... 3... 4... Grace breaks the hold.

BW: Grace here, using the five-count to its fullest...

Grace pulls Sakura back to her feet, then whips her into the ropes... only for Sakura to recover and lay a picture-perfect Savate kick into Grace! Sakura now goes to work, pummelling Grace with vicious kicks...

BW: Folks, despite being only 18, Sakura is already a world-class martial artist, having been a member of the runner-up team at the Match of the Millennium tournament!
P: This is not good! C'MON GRACE! YOU'RE GETTING BEAT UP BY A *beep*ING TEENAGER!

Sakura finally finishes her offensive combo with a scissors kick. She goes for the cover... 1... 2... Grace rolls Sakura over... 1... 2... kickout! Grace gets right on top of Sakura, whipping her into the Mercys' corner... she tags in Mary.

P: Mary's going to dissect this little girl.

Indeed, Mary does go right to work, firmly in control, with an arm wrench into an armbar. Sakura scrambles to the ropes, forcing the break, but instead of breaking clean, Mary yanks Sakura away with authority, then drives her knee into the arm for good measure.

BW: Mary's really showing us something here.
PT: Mary's always showing us something, and it happens to be something I really like!

Mary pulls Sakura to her feet, and goes for a standing armbar, but Sakura counters with a kick to the midsection, and dives for a tag to Jocelyn!

BW: Hoo-wee! Things are about to get hot and heavy here!
PT: Hot and heavy... man, you said it!
P: Hey, you're all hot and heavy yourself, ain'tcha? Why don't we... heat things up?

Jocelyn comes in on fire, beating the holy hell out of Mary. Mary bumps like a human pinball, and finally tags out to Grace, who gets more of the same. Meanwhile, Poison is rubbing PT all over... and they pull their heads close together... but Poison grabs PT's head and slams it on the table, knocking the commentator out!

BW: HEY!
P: Hey yourself, cowboy! He was askin' for it!
BW: You better leave right now, 'cus I'm fixin' to forget I'm a gentleman!
P: ... You're no fun.

Poison gets up and leaves the booth, as Jocelyn is setting up for the 9.0. Mary reverses it, sending Jocelyn into the ropes, then tags Grace before picking Jocelyn up in the spinebuster position.

BW: This could be it right here! The Mercy Killing!

But Jocelyn manages to get out of it, by landing several blows to the head of Mary. After forcing Mary to the ground, she goes to bring Grace into the ring, the hard way--by suplexing her over the ropes. However, Poison is there, and grabs Jocelyn's ankle, stopping Jocelyn from following through with the suplex! Grace ends up on top of Richter, and the referee doesn't notice Poison holding the ankle... 1... 2... 3! "Bittersweet Symphony" fills the arena!

WINNERS: The Mercy Sisters

The Mercys come into the ring and continue to work on Jocelyn... Sakura comes in to assist, but with Jocelyn down, it's 2 on 1, and she goes down quickly too. Poison makes her way back to the commentary position and grabs her bat ("Forgot this..."), then climbs up into the ring to attack both the girls! Dan and Storm come into the ring to stop this, but each eats a shot from Slash. The three women brutalize Jocelyn and Sakura for a while, then they all raise hands...

BW: Poison and the Mercys may have had the numbers advantage tonight, but at Electric Supernova III, Poison's going to be all alone in a cage with Jocelyn Richter! And there's not going to be any Mercys there to help her! So laugh it up now, you... you B--
(Quick cut to commercial)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back from break with "3 Minutes" by 2 Skinnee J's playing as Jamal makes his way out to ringside. waving the flag of American Samoa. Warrior is resuming his seat at the commentary booth)
BW: Folks, I apologize for my language before the break. In my anger at Poison and my concern for my broadcast colleague, I said some thing that shouldn't be said on TV, and I'm sorry.
W: You should apologize! No true WARIARR! would express his macedonity in the matter that you did just now!
BW: Hey, does anybody know where I can get an "English-to-Warrior" dictionary?!
("Fight Test" hits and Newtype steps out, waving the Japanese flag. However, Inita Ho, Haku, TAFKAPI, Bri, and Big 'Kish all come up behind him and proceed to thoroughly rip him a new one. Haku pulls a Tongan flag out of his 'fro and breaks it over Newtype's back, then they throw Newtype in the ring.

MATCH 3: WWoW CUP, FIRST ROUND
Jamal vs. Newtype.

Jamal hits a big splash off the top rope on the defeated Newtype, and covers... 1... 2... 3.

WINNER: Jamal

BW: No! Not like this! Damnit, this tournament is supposed to be about athletes, not about muggers!
W: For once, I must agree with my ersatz colleague! Through that hopeless defenestration, Team Pacific Islands showed that they lack the foke to be true Warriors!
BW: I'm sorry, folks, but between that last match, and the one before, I now feel sick to my stomach.

(Cut to the boiler room, where Jared Steele enters. He finds Missy tied to a chair and gagged.)
JS: MISSY! Thank god! I was hoping to beat The Phantom here, but boy am I glad to see you!
(Jared pulls the gag off Missy)
MH: JARED, IT'S A TRAP! LOOK BEHIND YOU!
(Jared turns just in time to see The Phantom bringing down a long pipe on him. He catches the end, uses the pipe to push the Phantom out the boiler room door, then the two have a wild brawl through the corridor, ending with Jared pounding The Phantom's head repeatedly against the arena wall until he slumps, unconscious.)
MH: AIEEE!!!!
JS: MISSY!
(Jared runs back into the boiler room, but Missy is gone.)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back backstage, where Team PI is celebrating...)
IH: Yo, pop the champagne, yo!
('Kish does so; everybody in the room gets sprayed with tiny bubbles.)
J: Woo!
IH: You the man, Jamal! I'll be back!
(Inita Ho leaves the room, then gets grabbed and thrust against the wall by Chris Dobbs)
HBK: Don't make a noise, or I'll snap you in half right now! I bet you're real proud of yourself, huh? You call that a victory; a 6 on 1 beat down? You're a joke. You've always been a joke, and you always will be a joke. I could destroy you now. But you have something of mine, and I can be patient when I have to. And when I DO break you, I want you to be at 100 percent. I want no excuses. Electric Supernova III, your ass belongs to me, and don't you forget it. See you in the ring.
(HBK releases Ho, who runs back to the safety of his teammates.)

(Cut back to the arena, where "FCC" is playing FCC and Serveaux out to the ring.)
BW: Now, one thing's for sure, I wouldn't want to be in Inita Ho's shoes at ESIII!
W: Verily, Ho will need the unmitigated foke of a WARRIOR to survive!
(FCC gets on the mic)
FCC: Now, we have come here to clean up this cesspool, and I have no idea who we're facing tonight, but I am sure that he is as degenerate and disgusting as everybody else in that locker room! So, tonight we shall take one small step towards cleaning up this place... why? BECAUSE WE KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU!
(Suddenly, the lights go out... then come back up in red and green as "Red Water (Christmas Mourning)" by Type O Negative hits. A giant of a man, dressed up in a green costume with red-and-white candy-cane striped sleeves and leggings and silver tinsel trim, makes his way out.)
BW: IT'S THE CHRISTMAS CREATURE! THE CHRISTMAS CREATURE! MY GOD, WHO EVER THOUGHT WE'D SEE HIM AGAIN?!
(The Christmas Creature raises up his arms and thrusts them down again, and the turnbuckles erupt in pyro and tinsel)

MATCH 4: HANDICAP MATCH
Frederick C. Crichton & Thomas Serveaux vs. The Christmas Creature

FCC and Serveaux both rush the big man, but he takes them both down with a big boot. He then picksup Serveaux to continue the punishment.

BW: The creature dominating the early going...
PT: Anybody get the license plate on that mecha?
BW: PT! Are you OK?
PT: I'm just fine, Ethel. Now which way to the ice cream social?

CC drives Serveaux into the corner with a series of punishing rights and lefts, battering him mercilessly. FCC attacks from behind, but the creature simply turns around and stares him down, slowly advancing on him... until Serveaux takes him down with a chop block.

PT: The radishes delve into regurgitation!
W: NOT THE RADISHES!
PT: TORI! TORI! TORI!

FCC and Serveaux stomp away on the Christmas Creature, then stop to yell at the crowd a bit... which is long enough for the Creature to sit up... he elbows FCC over into a corner, then goes for a chokeslam on Serveaux!

BW: CHOKESLAM FROM THE SOUTH POLE! CHOKESLAM FROM THE SOUTH POLE!
PT: MATZO BALLS!

Unfortunately, this IS a handicap match, and FCC rolls up the Creature from behind while he's distracted. FCC grabs the ropes... 1... 2... 3!

WINNERS: FCC and Serveaux

After the match, the Creature comes to his feet again, and proceeds to thoroughly destroy the censors, to the delight of the crowd. He rips off the mask, revealing Apocalypse (to the surprise of nobody who was watching last year). He calls for a mic.

A: I'M SICK AND TIRED of this! I see the two of you out here, every single week, badmouthing wOw and the wOw fans. And, of course, you threaten to censor us! Now, I have a BIG problem with that! And when the biggest man on thw wOw roster has a big problem with you, then you have a big problem too! I don't want you around, and I don't think I'm the only one... (the crowd cheers loudly), so, from this day forward, I am making it my mission in life to rid wOw of the two of you!

[HeartBurn Kid]

(R.D. Reynolds is in his office. The door opens and a Spanish woman we've never seen before walks in...)
?: Mr. Reynolds...
RD: Oh, now what?
?: My name is Sierra Angela Mendez de la Marques, and I've come a long way to see you...
RD: Look, lady, I don't know how you got in here, but I don't have time to sign any autographs or anything...
S: I'm not here for autographs. I'm here to wrestle.
RD: ... What?
S: I saw your shows in Europe, and ever since, I've known it's my destiny to wrestle for wOw. I want to be part of this. I beg of you, please give me a chance to prove myself.
RD: ... No.
S: Wha? But I came all the way from Spain!
RD: Number one, tonight's show is already in a time crunch, and number two, this is the big leagues, baby! This is wOw! You can't just walk in off the street and wrestle a match for US! I mean, have you even wrestled before?!
S: Well, no, but--
RD: But what? Do you have any idea what kind of insurance risk I'd be taking, letting you come in here and wrestle when you've never even been in a ring? Get out of my sight!
S: If you think I will give up my dream this easily, you are sorely mistaken!
RD: Then perhaps you need a bit more persuasion! (hits a button on his desk phone) Security, I have a problem I need taken care of!
(Sierra look at RD, swears under her breath in Spanish and walks off.)

(Cut back to the ring, where "Mexican Radio" is playing. Conquistador #1 is making his entrance.)
BW: We have another cup match coming up, but word has it that one of our participants, The Cannonball Kid, hasn't been seen all day. Where could he be?
PT: He's in the halls of the lizard king!
BW: Wait... that's the BWF's Rhyannon! What's she doing here!
(Camera focuses on Rhyannon on the stage, who has a mic.)
R: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but The Cannonball Kid will not be here tonight. The Cannonball Kid is DEAD.
BW: Wha--?
R: Yes, that pathetic loser has finally passed from this world, but he has been born again, a machine fueled by pain, hate, and pure feral rage!
(The opening chords of Iced Earth's "Wolf" play)
R: Ladies and gentlemen, the Army of Darkness bring to you... CANIS!
(The Cannonball Kid makes his entrance, but he's changed since we saw him in the team intros. His hair is unkempt, his face unshaven, his attire torn, and a crazed gleam in his eyes.)

MATCH 5: WWoW CUP, FIRST ROUND
Conquistador #1 (MEX) vs. Canis (CAN)

Canis launches into the ring, taking down the Conquistador right away and launching into a flurry of punches, then biting the masked man! He lets off the bite at the ref's 4 count, but doesn't let up on the assault. Canis thoroughly destroys the Conquistador, who gets little to no offense in, before finally mercifully finishing him off with a top-rope spear.

WINNER: Canis

After the match, Canis shows no signs of letting up on the Conquistador, but Rhyannon comes in and bodily pulls him off before slapping him in the face. Canis smiles at this, and finally calms down.

(Cut backstage, where Dan Hibiki and Sakura Kasugano are with Storm.)
DAN: Do you remember your training?
SS: yea lol!
DAN: DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR TRAINING?!
SS: YEA!
DAN: GO OUT THERE AND SHOW THEM THE POWER OF SAIKYO! ORA!
(Cut to the Team Canada dressing room, where Dexter Hart is walking out as Jim Neidhart, Michel Picard, and Captain Canada are sitting and chatting.)
DH: Well, I'm going to go out and face two freaks who like to drink blood and beat people up, with one of the stupidest men in wOw as my only backup...
(None of the other TC members even look up)
DH: Oh, that's OK, don't all of you rush to help at once, I'm sure I can handle it...
(No response. Dex sighs and walks out.)
JN: (muttering)... try not to get yourself killed out there, kid.

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back backstage, where Dex and Storm are walking. Suddenly, Rhyannon and Canis enter the frame, Rhyannon leading Canis on a chain. Canis sniffs a few times at Dex, who stops as Storm keeps going)
DH: Cannonball? Geez...
(Suddenly, Canis pounces at Dex, but Rhyannon yanks him back by the chain)
DH: ... What the heck did you do to him?
R: I have done nothing to him. The dread lord El Espectro Del Muerte has set him free from the shackles of the rational world and released the beast inside him.
DH: ... the *beep*?
R: He's free now.
DH: Uhh... yeah... look, I have a match right now.
(Dex walks off muttering something about horror movies.)

(We come back to ringside with "Mope" playing as Storm makes his way out. The music changes to "Never Been a Right Time to Say Goodbye" as Dex walks out, visibly shaken and still muttering to himself...)
BW: Dex just had his first encounter with the new Cannonball Kid... err, Canis... and it seems he can't quite figure out what it is he's seen.
W: I must disagree with Rhyannon... Canis is not free because Canis lacks foke to his rage!
PT: RAGE IN THE CAGE, DADDY! HOOWAH!
("Vampires" starts to play as a firey circle lights up on stage... Gangrel and Vampiro rise from within the circle and make their way out.)
BW: These guys have found quite a bit of success solo in certain other federations, but I understand they've forged an alliance now... and they call themselves the Sabbat.

MATCH 6:

Silent Storm and Dexter Hart vs. The Sabbat

Despite a valiant effort on the part of Dex, and a sloppy effort by Storm, this match ends up a squash, with Vampiro putting Dex away with the Nail in the Coffin.

WINNERS: The Sabbat

After the match, the Sabbat makes various "scary" and "creepy" poses for the fans while Finale appears in the entryway and applauds them.

(Cut backstage, where Inita Ho is walking. Suddenly, he comes face to face with John Roche.)
JR: Well, well. If it isn't everybody's favorite pretender to the throne.
IH: Hey, my island boyz are right around the corner--
JR: And so are my cannonball buddies, so don't you dare try anything. I just wanted to tell you that I've worked my entire career for that belt right there, and no matter what happens, come Electric Supernova III, I WILL be wearing it. And there is not a single thing you can do about it. Got it, you walking joke?
IH: Yo, I'm not a joke. I'm the fightingest International champ in history!
JR: Ohhhh, the Whamoan thinks he's funny. Tell you what, buddy. You just bring that shiny gold belt to ESIII, and we'll see just how "fighting" you are, 'kay?
(Roche walks off. Ho looks after him, fear showing in his eyes.)

[HeartBurn Kid]

(We come back to Inita Ho backstage again, and now Finale walks up, flanked by The Sabbat)
F: Mr. Ho. Have you met my two newest disciples?
IH: Uhhh... no...
F: This is Gangrel, and this is Vampiro. They're going to help me regain my property that you have stolen.
IH: Hey, I won this belt fair and square!
F: Pathetic. You can't even admit the truth to yourself. That belt WILL be mine again soon enough.
(Finale walks away. The Sabbat give Inita Ho a menacing stare, then follow their leader)

(Back to ringside, as "Night Vision" is playing as General Apathy is making his way out.)
PT: AND THE DRAGON COMES IN THE NIGHT!
BW: Welcome back to Primetime, folks. We've got our last match of the evening coming up...
PT: BLIPPIDABLOOOW!
W: DESTRUCITYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
BW: ...thank God.
("I Believe in Miracles" hits as Chris Cassidy walks to the ring.)

MATCH 7: WWoW CUP, FIRST ROUND
General Apathy (UK) vs. Chris Cassidy (USA)

Cassidy starts off with the advantage, going to work right away with a series of quick kicks, but Apathy's power advantage soon swings the pendulum back to him, as a vicious clothesline takes Cassidy down.

BW: Apathy's power overwhelming the much smaller Cassidy...

Apathy stays on the offensive, driving his knee into Cassidy's back repeatedly. He then pulls Cassidy up, and whips him over to the ropes, but Cassidy slides out of the ring and give Apathy a rude gesture. Apathy follows Cassidy out.

BW: Oh, man, Apathy's ready to eat Cassidy alive here!
PT: Cassidy goes great with a side of Benjamin and a tall cool glass of Ethel!

As Apathy exits the ring, Cassidy hops up on the announce table and starts kicking at Apathy from the higher position, Eventually, Apathy gets up on the table, and lays in a kick to the gut.

BW: Damn... move, guys.

Windham and Warrior get up from the table, but PT just starts giggling uncontrollably. Apathy picks up Cassidy for a powerbomb... but Cassidy reverses into a hurricanrana, breaking the table and smacking PT's head against the back barricade, sending the crowd into a "Holy Shit!" chant. Cassidy beats Apathy to his feet, and goes on the offensive, laying in a few kicks and finishing with a trapping dropkick. Meanwhile, a bunch of medics dressed like members of a hair metal band are out checking on PT.

BW: Folks, David Lee Roth and the Metal Medics are here, and they're taking care of PT... He's gonna be OK, right?
DLR: BLIPPIDABLOOW!
BW: ...Forget I asked.

The fight has gone back into the ring, and Cassidy is now in the process of dazzling Apathy with his high-flying arsenal. He manages to keep Apathy disoriented and scores great moves against him for a while, but Apathy again turns the table when he reverses a Crucifix attempt into a reverse fallaway slam.

W: Apathy showing great foke here! Using his destrucity to crush the tiny one!
BW: No matter how many shots Cassidy gets in, he seems to succumb to Apathy's power...

Apathy presses his advantage, eventually picking up Cassidy for an electric chair drop. He brings him over by the ropes, and drops Cassidy out of the ring, but Cassidy wraps his legs around Apathy's neck and grabs the ropes, putting Apathy in a kind of choke!

BW: This kid Cassidy is incredible! All the punishment he's taken, and he still has the presence of mind for this!
W: THIS IS AN ILLEGAL CHOKE! ILLEGAL!
BW: And those "supplements" you've been shooting yourself up with are legal!
W: Those are holistic remedies!

The ref puts the count on... 1... 2.. 3.. 4... Cassidy releases, and Apathy stumbles away as Cassidy flips onto the apron. Cassidy throws a quick signal and springboards off the top rope, putting on the Wake-Up Call! Cover... count... 1... 2.. 3!

WINNER: Chris Cassidy

After the match, Ironwood shows up with a cricket bat, but Cassidy ducks his swing and drop-toe-holds him on top of Apathy. He then celebrates as we go off the air.